my cousin- "Xanax changed my life!"

I had a party a couple weeks ago and I bought some imported beer to try and share with my friends. My friend Dave brought his girlfriend, who is 18 years old and has been described as a real-life version of Brian from Family Guy's girlfriend - not too bright, but in an entertaining way. I think I was passing around a bottle of Delirium Tremens when she presented this review:

"This tastes like when you huff Endust!"

here's another gem. from my extremely southern baptist aunt-
"Winona Ryder? You can do SO much better than her!"
i do not have enough beer to make it through today....

"Now her soul is with the lord." Said my Uncle about
my dying Grandmother right as she started breathing again.
He really jumped the gun on that one...
I bet he felt like a total d-bag.

good stuff

the best one i heard today...my aunt and cousin were arguing on whether or not they had been to the holocaust museum together.
my aunt: "we were there that day all the holocaust people were there."
my uncle: "not all of them."
beer came out my nose.

"I'll write HPV in this whole notebook!!!"

My 4 year old nephew after I pointed out that in scribbling gibberish words to illustrate all the letters he knew from school the kid inadvertently wrote "HPV".

HAHAHAHAHA

I probably would have gotten some decent quotes had I been with my girlfriend's family in NC for Christmas.

My grandma started to choke on som food and instead of seeing if she was ok my uncle began screaming "you're 84 yrs old! You still don't know how to chew properly!!??!" and then the whole family proceeded to agree that she needs to relax and take the time to chew. My Portuguese family is fucked

aaaahahaha!!!

ridiculous.

you are a good man.....Delerium is so good.....hard to share.
i've got a few bottles of Delerium Noel, they are on the long list of winter brews i plan on drinking on new years eve.
along with
the beers in the twelve pack my aunt bought me, a case of my norwegian style winter (home)brew, a bottle of "Gulden Draak Xmas Vintage 07", Newport Storm's "Coastal Extreme 08", a "Santa's Little Helper" and a barleywine that i can't pronounce or spell.....i just know it's italian, aged five years, strong and tasty

ahhahahahahahahaha!
so good

my brother tops all.

he shows up at my aunt's house drunk and stoned.

first he tells a story about our (recently-out-of-the-closet-lesbian) friend heather pulling him aside at a party and saying "josh! you and orgy would be so proud of me! i am a man now!!!" and she pulled out a strap on, pointed at her new girlfriend and said "i fucked that bitch in every position under the sun last night.....for an hour, and afterwards when she was on the bed trying catch her breath, i sat on her fuckin face!"

he told this story in front of my aunt and my mother.

then we go out for a smoke, and he tells me another story (my stepdad overheard it, but luckily everyone eklse avoided it) about how his dog will (whenever it gets the chance) use his tounge to "clean up the mess" whenever my he slams his girl and shoots on her back.

and the final ridiculous story of the night.
his girl wanted to get a cat, he told her it was a bad idea, she got an 8 week old kitten, the dog raped it senseless.
the kitten (to escape from the dog) jumped up on the snake tank, ripped open the screen, fell in and got eaten

My cousin was making fun of my other cousin:

"Derek, you're just mad cuz we know you were the stunt double in Brokeback Mountain."

hah!
brilliant