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:	post by DestroyYouAlot at 2007-08-03 12:46:34

VIKINGS (excerpted from http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Viking )

Traditional Viking, armed with a Warhammer and Horns.

The children of jesus and woman are traditionally known as Vikings. The Vikings (Nordic Aryans) were a group of demons, originating in Scandinavia, who are known for raping and pillaging, building boats with dragon's heads, raping and pillaging, setting things on fire, composing epic sagas (particularly about their love of SPAM), making awesome swords, killing monks, and raping and pillaging. The word "viking" is derived from the Old Norse verb "vike" which means "to scissor in a lesbian fashion." Vikings are beefcakes, considered the lumberjacks of the sea. They are also rumored to be the legendary third level of Badassery and widely regarded as the inventors of cleanliness in the household.

Anatomy of Vikings

A Viking about to kill you. This is the greatest thing that will ever happen to you.

Vikings are born fully mature and ready to do battle. The average gestation period for a viking is 5 minutes and 23 seconds. The beard, while appearing to be like normal human facial hair (albeit exceptionally luxurious and makes all the girls scream for sexings) is actually an extension of the face that can sense where there are monasteries to be pillaged, or rape to be had. This is often known as a "Beard Sense". The only human alive today who has this is Neil Fallon. The facial hair of a viking is also highly dexterous, and can serve as a third limb, in a similar manner to the way an elephant uses its trunk. Although this trait has all but died out, a few still remain who can access the so called "beard powers".

Contrary to popular belief, Vikings do not go into a berserk fury. In fact, they are always in a berserk fury. Viking sightings are rare due to the fact that observers are often killed, raped, or both (in either order or sometimes simultaniously).

Viking eyes are both keen and shoot lasers. This is due to a laser gland located in the scrotum. This makes vikings immune to pain usually induced by being kicked in the jimmy, as well as consuming the idiots foot in a glorious blaze of metal and awesome. That's what you get, you sorry piece of shit. That is of course provided a person manages to sneak up on a viking. This has never happened since they're usually pillaged raped, burnt then offered as a sacrifice to Christopher Walken.

Vikings live naturally to be 3000 years of age at which point they stop aging and never die.

In a recent study, it was also reported that vikings are the only known source of the rare mineral Cemanalia, or True Semen. A fresh sample of True Semen has never been collected. All known deposits of Cemanalia are called Scandanavians, because Vikings never miss.

Vikings also have viking mind melding powers and even though they can just hypnotize people into giving them pleasure they still prefer to rape them.

1 out of every 1 vikings have most of Jesus's powers. they can turn water into rape and unlike Jesus they can not just walk on water but they can walk on every liquid (except for Pepsi) known to man such as water, blood, cow urine, Coke (but not Pepsi,) and moon shine.

Myths about Vikings

An early Viking attempting to disguise its horns with a hat taken from a dead wizard.

Vikings have suffered greatly from stereotypes and misrepresentation. Popular myth holds that the Vikings were bloodthirsty and merciless seaborne raiders, who liked nothing better than descending upon villages to steal, rape and slaughter, who revelled in drink, fighting, slaughtering monks, and setting things on fire, and who never washed or cared for their beards. On the contrary, Vikings went to extraordinary lengths to make sure that their beards were clean, full and luxurious, and they always use deodorant before attacking. Besides, whats wrong with killing monks? Vikings did not wear horned helmets. The horns actually grew out of their skulls and they put the helmets on over them. This came in very handy when killing monks.

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