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:	post by Todd(bombshelter) at 2004-12-24 02:05:27

Christmas With Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of
panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas.
He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice
must be true because every Christmas morning,
although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed,
his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come
true. I put on sunglasses and went in search
of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those
things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult
bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go.
You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour
saying things like, "What does this do? You're
kidding me! Who would buy that?" Finally, I
made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll
that could also substitute as a passenger in my
truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush
hour.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old
bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me
in during the wee morning hours. Long after
Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling
pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom.
I also ate some cookies and drank what
remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray.
I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that
Santa had been to his house and left a
present that had made him VERY happy but
had left the dog confused. She would bark,
start to walk away, then come back and bark
some more.

We all agreed that Louis e should remain in her
panty hose so the rest of the family could admire
her when they came over for the traditional
Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she
walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she
asked.

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny
snapped.

I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth
shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to
steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have
any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It
was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the
back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny,
hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor
eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's
the naked gal by the fireplace?"

I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel,
talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting.
It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's
last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk
about who had died, who was dying, and who
should be killed, when suddenly Louis e made a
noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning.
Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around
the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through
my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his
knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and
wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the
room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough
examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse.
We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot
ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape,
we restored her to perfect health!

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