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New site? Maybe some day.
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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" . Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols". |
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what was he doing with a pair of panties in his POCKET??? |
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I was hoping he would say "she was screaming 'oh god, oh god'" |
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that would have been funny too..
ok not "holiday" jokes but,...funny definitions
Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
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succubus_looking_for_a_ride said: Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. |
god i wish i could do this sometimes. |
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My knee slapper for the season - Why does santa have no kids? he only comes once a year. |
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i've heard about that before... it still
makes me giggle! |
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i think these are funny but i don't understand #16, 17, 18
anyone? ~yeah i guess i haven't lived here long enough
You Know You're From Boston If.......
1. You have to dial the area code to call your neighbor
2. You think crosswalks are for babies
3. khaki's are something you start the car with
4. You think if someone's nice to you, they either want something or they're from out of town (and probably lost)
5. You know how to cross 4 lanes of traffic in 5 seconds
6. If you hear someone say "pahk the cah in hahvad yahd" one more time you're gonna bitch slap them upside the head.
7 Anything past Worcester is "the middle of nowhere"
8. You are amazed when traveling out of town that people who work at McDonald's speak English.
9. You think it's not actually tailgating unless your bumper is touching the car in front of you.
10. You know that a yellow light means at least 5 more cars can get through.....
11. and that a red light means 2 more can.
12. Crown Victoria = undercover cop
13. Subway is a fast food place. The transportation system is known as the "T", and only the "T"
14. For the cost of your house, you could own a small town in Iowa.
15 There are 6 Dunkin Donuts within 20 minutes of your house.
16 You or someone in your family has a Smart Tag
17. When people talk about the "curse of the Bambino", you know what they're talking about (and believe in it too)
18. You know what the blinking red light atop the Hancock tower means in the summer.
19. You think of Rhode Island as the "deep south"
20. You think the Yankee's suck.
21. You believe using a turn signal "gives away your plan to the enemy"
22. If you stay on the same road long enough, it will eventually have 3 names
23. Someone has honked at you because you didn't peel out the second the light turned green.
24. You've honked at someone because they didn't peel out the second the light turned green.
25 All the potholes just add excitement to your driving experiences.
26. Stop signs mean slow down a little, but only if you feel like it.
27. 6 inches of snow is considered a "dusting"
28. 3 days of 90+ heat is definitely a "heat wave" and 63 degree weather is "wicked warm".
29. $15 to park is a bargain
30. You cringe every time you hear some actor/actress try to do "the Boston accent" in a movie - if you don't have it, you're never gonna get it right, even if you were born here.
31. You can go from one side of your hometown to the other in only about 15 minutes and see at least 15 deadbeats you graduated with----doing the exact same thing they were doing when the last time you saw them!
32. Through high school you had seen many fist fights between guys------but more between GIRLS!!
32. The words wicked and mint were major parts of your vocab. along with calling chocolate sprinkles at the ice cream shop Jimmy's!
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i have to dial the area code in my town too |
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