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:	post by succubus at 2004-02-06 09:57:39

heh to the last 2 posts...but on a serious note

technically i'm roman catholic...
i was not brought up religious though, i go to church once a year...more if multiple people die (funerals), but usually i will go for a celebration like a baptism, communion, confirmation, marriage, etc. last time i went to church was a little less than a year ago for my best friend's wedding (ps: the reverend didn't burn or melt in the church btw ;) )
anyhow, you get the point...
my dad never respected the church, he went to school and was taught by priests in italy and he used to see them eat meat on friday's (a SIN, or so they say)...got treated unjustly etc. oh and he didn't have any rape stories from school, thank goodness.

my mom went to school and was taught by nuns and most were bitchy and she used to get hit by them quite a bit.

i had 2 friends in italy who were nuns....and awesome people...

but the rest of my nun experiences...not pleasurable...i would get punished because i wanted to sing and dance when they wanted me to get on my knees and pray (no i wasn't in church)

anyhow...i don't believe in the strictness of the church and their beliefs and i was not brought up to believe in them as such...

but i grew up believing in god and jesus etc. i also went to catholic school...
then as i grew older
i lost a lot of people close to me..old and young and when i lost my dad...i completely lost it.
and lost a lot of faith...after he died i went looking for the answer and explored many religious faiths and went to many different religious ceremonies...trying to find my answers...hey i was still young...

i remember going to the first church of science in montreal and the priest was a woman and you meditated for the first half and then during the second half she would call out to people and tell them...(A la john edward) that someone died and they were in the room and blah blah...she never said anything to me...i was disheartened...

after he died...my mom became more religious and attended church more regularly...and prayed for my dad...the more prayers he gets and the better person he was the quicker he would get out of purgatory and get to heaven...anyhow..i prayed..althoguh not 100% convinced...i thought "what if"...and so i did whatever i could do to help my dad...the weird thing is that i would have dreams about him...quite a bit...and when he was alive we would often talk about our dreams etc. we would both do lucid dreaming and stuff...he told me when you died...it was like a dream...if you were a bad person...then you had bad dreams...if you were a good person..good dreams...well...in my dreams of him he would tell me about things that were about to happen...and give me advice...say what you will...but it's true..i do think that some of my dreams were wishful thinking...but some...i cannot explain and won't go into further detail.

my dreams of him now are rare...and i still don't know what to believe in...i think there is something...there HAS to be..imho...but what it is..i don't know...

i know what aaron's beliefs are and a lot of people on here...i don't like talking about this..because it depresses me...i used to get scared thinknig about death and dying...what if there is nothing? (which is what my boyfriend thinks) that would drive me crazy..the fact of not existing and not being around to think about this..fuck..i'm getting a headache just writing and thinknig about it....anyhow...
i don't think about it as much and i try to stay away from this topic with atheistics..esp since my dad died young...and i never got to say goodbye...and he had a really hard life growing up....
so you mean to tell me that's it?
well he got fucking ripped off if that's the case.
oh man sorry for the novel
i'm done

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